


Princess Toadstools Pity

by BestBayneOCE



Category: Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/F, F/M, Probably a crackfic too, smutfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 18:32:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11742753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BestBayneOCE/pseuds/BestBayneOCE
Summary: When Nathan, a young speedjumper suffers in an incident while accidentally foiling an assassination attempt on the literal woman of his dreams Princess Peach, he finds his dreams answered as him and the princess become very very very close, to the detriment of two Italian plumbers.





	Princess Toadstools Pity

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my smutfic!  
> I know chapter 1 is slow but I'll release chapters weekly or so and chapter two will absolutely have lemons in it.
> 
> You are really filthy people ;)
> 
> This was actually inspired by Super Mario 74EE. I know, fucking crazy right?

So…..hello. I guess.

I have never been one for writing, or come to think of it, introduction, so this will have to do. You are probably wondering what I'm doing writing this, or if you could see me, what I'm doing trapped in on a small platform above miles of boiling lava with nothing else in sight. What the point of it was, well, I certainly didn't mean to trap myself above miles of boiling lava. It was the others that had it in for me from the start. As for what got me here, well, basically it was wall jumping.

You ever heard of Mario? Who am I kidding, everyone's heard of Mario. He's some sort of superhero around these parts, on account of the fact he keeps showing up to repeatedly save the princess from the evil dragon Bowser, or something similar, you get the picture. I'm not like that, firstly because I'm probably about half his age. I don't fight hordes of aliens, I don't like having stuff thrown at me, I certainly don't like fire very much. What I do, is the stunts. Some of you might not be aware but at some point, 20 or so years ago, Mario came out of his latest adventure built like a fucking castle and since then that has never ever changed. There are rumours that he never stopped jumping the entire time he rescued the princess. There were rumours that he could scale walls 50 feet high just by jumping from one to the other, and then he went out and did it just to prove a point. Jealous people actually have called him crazy so. many times there is a name for it, of, wait for it, Mariotards,

Not the greatest name, but still. What was my point?  
How I got here. So I do stunts. I'm not as good as Mario, none of us are, clearly, but we do try. And I try extra hard because I am, apparently, an idiot. And one day I was at the top of Guido’s mountain, where I train along with all the other idiots who like hurting themselves for small amounts of recognition, with my human (obviously) friend Gus. And on this day, Gus comes up the hill looking both excited and disappointed and tells me, no shit:

“Hey Nathan, uhhh….the princess is passing the mountain, so we're supposed to fuck off apparently.”

“W…..wait, what?!? You're pulling my leg aren't you, you piece of shit.”

Gus lies to me. It's a thing I have to live with apparently, because he just finds it amusing and I'm too passive to stop him. Ok, maybe I find it funny too, but only just. Gus knows I have an ENORMOUS crush on the princess. So would you, if you were into blonde busty older women.

Look, this is a sex story, you're going to put up with my preferences.

He probably guessed I wouldn't fuck off either.

“Mate I wasn't going to tell you. I'm only mentioning it because I’m such an amazing friend. You think you're going to stay?”

“Course I'm going to stay, Gus, it's not like I have any choice!”

“Yeah but that's only because you're fucked in the head.”

“I'm not-! Look. You don't have to stay here if you don't-”

Gus is the sort of person who wouldn't abandon you if you were both dying in the middle of the desert. Unless you told him to, and like really pretended he was helpful. That's why I like him.

Look, it's complicated. This entire story is going to be complicated.

So I told Gus to buy me a hotdog.

“I bet they’re selling hotdogs. Buy me a hotdog, okay? So I can eat it when I'm done.”

“You want a large or a small.”

“Large.”

“Fuck right off, I'm not carrying that back up here.”

“Look Gus it's a fucking hotdog okay?! Buy me whatever.”

Truth be told I was glad to get rid of Gus quite often, at least since, you know, I got a massive crush on Peach. I needed the privacy.  
I just...liked to daydream about her. I liked it so much that i spent most of my days when i wasn’t climbing rock formations daydreaming about her. Was it an obsession?   
… … ...  
No!  
I just didn't have anything better to do with my time than imagine Peach marrying me, watching movies with me, and/or when I was at home by myself, fucking my brains out.

Obviously I made it up to the top of the mountain easily, no big deal. Just a couple of wall kicks and a long jump, except the long jump leaves you clinging onto the cliff face at the end.   
As was to be expected, there was nobody up there, at least not that I could make out. One reason was being up there when someone of importance went past would label the entire movement hooligans, and also, because, no shit, it was freezing cold. The howling wind must have dropped the temperature by about 10 degrees, I half-expected snow to fall out of the sky at any second, despite the fact it was literally impossible.

Still. I was here, what was I supposed to do, turn around and go back? Gus was expecting me to be up here. Totally. So I laid down on the mountain and squinted.   
My eyesight obviously isn't suited for squinting miles into the distance, and people were apparently not lining up to salute the revered princess this time, not that I would have been spotted anyway. So I just sat there, thinking, Gus definitely ain't coming back, and, boy I wonder if the winds going to die down so I don't have to do exercises to stay warm while I wait. What was she doing, anyway? Going to the beach? That was what lay on the other side of the mountain. It could have been for any length of time though. What did princesses do with their lives, anyway? Were their lives more interesting than mine? As I wandered around in circles thinking of the Princess again, the open-top carriage driving past immediately got my attention. It was definitely her. I could tell, despite being waaaay above her and slightly to her left. This was THE FIRST TIME I HAD EVER seen the Princess in person. So I immediately got an enormous erection.

…  
I told you it was gonna be like this earlier in the chapter.   
Don't fucking judge me okay?   
Seriously.

...

And, yes, it was absolutely freezing on the mountain. My first and second thoughts were, no shit, maybe I should do something about my huge dong, and man, that’s an enormous boner, am I proud of myself, or what? Not going to lie to you, I was preeeettty proud of myself for this. I don’t even know why, it just struck me that after all this time i would actually get to see the Princess, and I was proud of myself for making it this far without cheating on her? The more I say it to myself, the weirder it fucking sounds, right.

The first thing that struck me was to think of something sexy and just see how close a, I was to coming, and b, how close I was to damaging my shorts or my dick. Seriously, my pants felt like they would explode any second.   
So I thought of the the princess, my princess, going to the beach with me.   
You know how I said she was likely going to the beach earlier? At this instant time, i hadn’t remembered that. Of course, I absolutely did in the seconds that followed. And then, under the maximum amount of restraint, I had just begun to take off my pants when the mountainside I was on kind of just, exploded.

Bob-bombs are not tremendously smart creatures. If they were smart or even sort of intelligent, they wouldn't fucking commit their entire lives to blowing something up. They are actually dumber than whomps, which are actually dumber than snowmen,   
Having said that, they aren't exactly stealthy, so my bad not hearing it coming,   
I probably was punished for it in moments of terror thinking I was going to turn into a bloody pancake. Then I remembered that of you land on your ass you dont take as much damage. Then I noticed the carriage, with the princess on board, then I landed right in front of it.

Then pain.


End file.
